"I DIDN'T ASK for who instituted it!! WHAT gives you the right to change this?!" Jesa's voice rose angrily, holding the instrument up before the bewildered orderly. Jesa had just crashed into a tray, trying to leave the sickbay after coming here to finish dealing with LAURA, and her temper had flown at the nearest woman before her restraint had a chance to catch up to her. "THIS is not protocol, nor standard procedure. DON'T you understand that in an emergency this will make triage FOUR times more difficult, and all for your unpreparedness!!"

The poor medical officer looked bewildered--then again, from what he remembered of her, she had spent most of her career looking bewildered. Still, there are some fates too cruel for even the perennially befuddled. He stepped to the doorway, his face hidden by shadow created by delta-shift's normal lighting scheme.

"Ensign--get back to work. I think there's a place for that behind the tertiary bio-array. I'll talk to the Commander." The girl didn't move. 'Daft', he thought, 'but understandable.' Dead men shouldn't give orders.

In that instant, Jesa's face froze. It was like her whole body went rigid and she ceased to be anything but there. In her mind, his words played over and over again. Yet, though she kept hearing them, kept analyzing them, she could not believe it. Somehow as the seconds ticked on by, she started wondering if she had imagined the whole thing. And then she began to question her sanity... was she going crazy? Did she want him here so much that she had begun to hear him in her head? The girl's frozenness only reinforced that doubt in Jesa's mind. Nothing moved; even time seemed to stop.

"Ensign, I gave you an order -- do you want to get on the bad side of two Commanders in one day?" His voice seemed to awaken the woman from her stupor and she quickly scampered off. Jesa, on the other hand, was experiencing the most disorienting sensation. Suddenly she felt lightheaded and reached out to the wall for support. She had heard his voice, but some part of her feared turning around, feared that all there would be there is empty space.

She breathed once, deeply, and turned around slowly, her eyes towards the floor. Then she saw his boots, up his legs, to his chest, and then, looked for his face, which was hidden in shadow. Her face remained expressionless, and the only change in that was an occasional blink. She could feel her body tremble slightly, but unnoticeably to the eye.

He stepped out of the shadow, his mouth adopting its lopsided grin. "Well, Commander, aren't you going to say hi?"

Her legs seemed to be quite unwilling to support her as she leaned against the wall and just stared at him, like he was a ghost or an apparition, which is what she really did think he was. Her lips moved, barely forming a whisper. "Buck... please tell me it's you..." She never felt weaker than at that moment.

"It's me." He said, not quietly, not loudly, just... simply.

She was fairly clutching the wall at that point, and closed her eyes, whispering "Oh my god..." she shook, noticeably now. So many things were racing through her head at that moment; her mind would not quiet, or move slower, no matter how much she tried to make it.

Why didn't he touch her? Why didn't he hold her? What was wrong? She saw him die. Didn't she? Dead. There, in the casket...Too many feelings were coinciding in her and running through, leaving her mind and heart spinning. She felt her chest constrict, unable to breathe except in short little gasps. Unknowingly, tears flowed down her cheeks.

He leaned against the doorframe. "It's been a while, Jesa. How've you been?"

She opened her eyes and just looked at him, her face one of utter disbelief. Finally her legs collapsed beneath her and she landed on her knees, tears falling down her cheeks, and sobs interrupting her words. "I thought..." She sniffed "I lost you... how do you think I've been!?" Her words took on a slightly angry tone, that collapsed back in on itself into tears.

He stepped forward, nervously, and helped her to her feet. Walking her to the biobed, he spoke. "I was... busy." He answered.

She felt warmth slip into her when he touched her, giving her some amount of composure. She hung onto his sleeve when she sat down on the biobed again; her body still shook, mostly from shock. Jesa breathed deeply, unable to make herself let go of him, she whispered. "I can't hear it now... please... just hold me."

But he didn't move towards her, her shaking increased as fear slipped into her heart. Why was he doing this? Why did he keep his distance? What had happened? Fear and shock reigned supreme through her. All he did was hold her hand, looking at what used to be his office. "It doesn't do for a Captain to be seen in this fashion, Jesa."

'A captain to be seen...' the words echoed in her head, stunning her further. What did SHE care how a Captain should be seen? She didn't give much of a DAMN about it. She had just lost her WHOLE life! Him!!

She tried to will herself to stop thinking about her own fears, her own emotions; there had to be a reason... she couldn't think about it, she couldn't deal with it. But all she wanted him to do was hold her, why was that so much to ask? Jesa tried to be strong, but strong was something she had been being too much, of late, and it would not come to practice. She couldn't stop the tears. "It doesn't matter..." She whispered, simply sitting there and shaking.

Why was he being so cold? He asked himself... and could find no answer. What had he become? What sort of monster had come back to this poor girl...? Was it so much to ask---just to hold her?

Slowly, he placed his arm around her shoulder and sat beside her.

"I..." He faltered, and then decided better of speaking. What could he tell her? Nothing, at least nothing of consequence. And anything of consequence he told her would lead to horrendous consequences for both of them. Starfleet Intelligence was very thorough... and even if they weren't, someone else would be.

Jesa relaxed slightly at his touch, and slowly put a trembling arm around his waist. She leaned against him and breathed softly for a few minutes. Her quietness gave her a little time for the emotions to settle down, she looked up at him. Without explanation, she slowly moved to kiss his cheek, then whispered. "It's okay...."

He stood up, suddenly, so that Jesa barely saved herself from a sudden topple to the floor. "No. It's not okay---and it'll probably never be okay again. Can't you see that? Do you have any idea where I've been? Have you worked it out yet?"

She just looked at him, not understanding how she was feeling so self-assured when she shouldn't be, which was a total and complete flip. But at this point, thinking was dangerous. She kept seeing him back at that table, at the lounge on the Starbase... distressed, torn, she had first felt for him then. How could she be so certain, yet so uncertain? "I have worked out possibilities.... But if I'm right, you can't tell me anyway."

He nodded. "And that's my point. The dead shouldn't kill the living. It's a dangerous precedent---you'll all be outnumbered, for one thing."

Jesa's voice lowered seriously. "You're not dead Buck... as fantastic and unbelievable as that is to me."

"The Buck you knew is." He stared at her, and for the first time his green eyes were hard.

But she didn't see that, somehow she did not see the hardness. She couldn't feel it, either... she questioned for a moment if she was simply masking over him from the him of the past, but she didn't think so. Jesa had known this man's masks, and this was one of them. She also knew his heart. Her instincts completely outweighed logic at this point.

She looked at him, her gaze level, though the tear streaks on her cheek ruined the look somewhat. "If that is really true... you would not have come back. Because you would have had nothing to come back for." She looked at him, tilting her head slightly, the look in her eyes pleading with him.

There was no answer, so she paused a moment, then spoke. "You have changed... I can deal with change. And I still love you." Her voice was firm, not tender, though inside parts of her dealing with her own self-preservation were blaring sirens. Yet, she didn't pay heed to them.

What could they do to him that they hadn't done already? They had managed to warp his mind, his values, his ethics---and now he was letting them take the complete victory---taking away the fundamental thing that defined him...

"And I love you... But..." He sat back down, refusing to make eye contact with her. "I've done things while I was away... Things that I would never have dreamt of, even as punishment for the damned Cardassians... Don't believe them when they say the Federation never harms civilians..."

She reached over and squeezed his arm firmly, not holding it for her sake, but trying to give something emotional to him, something she couldn't explain. "I never have..." her voice was steady, confident, and more knowing than he thought she should be.

"At times I thought I was going mad. That was when I didn't know I was going mad... Do no harm..."

He stood up again, pacing back and forth, fidgeting like a peripatetic ferret... Jesa's brow furrowed, she wanted to reach out and take this from him, but she could not do it. She wanted to hold him, but that would only aggravate his anxiety. She had been captured, tortured, held captive, experimented on, ran out, harmed... but she had never been forced to work against her own will.

That was a line that couldn't be crossed. In her it was extremely difficult if not impossible work her against herself. There was no one before him that someone could have held hostage, and using drugs would not have worked on her. She wanted to say she understood, but she didn't. Her voice came back caring, but low. "That... is something you will have to reconcile in yourself. I can only continue to keep my promise to be here, same as when I made it that day..."

He paused, gently smiling. "You're right... I need to work out exactly who I am now, preferably without help from that semi-deranged counselor of ours."

Jesa's smile was also gentle, she reached out to take his hand softly, letting him decide whether she could or not. She didn't comment, but for the briefest of seconds she thought about Dare and LAURA, but she said nothing.

He stepped away, looking to the door. She tried to hide the hurt his rejection of physical contact inflicted. He spoke almost hurriedly. "I guess I'd better get to the brig---boarding a vessel without permission, etceteras. No need for an escort---I know the way."

Jesa's smile grew slightly, and then it fell, suppressed, from her face. She waved her hand dismissively. "Sorry, you can't... no room." Then she rubbed her chin mock-thoughtfully. "Of course we did have that one cell open up.... Nah... how can I justify throwing a dead man into the brig?" She forced a smile, hoping that her joke wouldn't trigger any unpleasant thoughts.

"I could justify it for you, but that would mean even more charges against me. So if the brig is full, I'll confine myself to my quarters."

His voice was quieter than Jesa expected it to be. Without thinking anything of it, she stepped up behind him and touched him gently at the small of his back, and brought her other arm up to touch his arm. "I'm afraid your quarters are empty right now... the Isannah is being refit... we're leaving the ship tonight..."

He smirked. "Then I guess I'll have to lock myself in Fox's office, then."

Jesa smiled slightly. "No, this deck is being depressurized... your things are in my temp quarters on the base... they gave me a two room suite because of Terah... Feel free to use the room. I'll just get her other quarters."

"Well, if I'm going to be on the base, could I get brig quarters there?" his expression was deadpan, impossible to read.

Jesa paused a moment. "Well, I could put a forcefield on the door in those quarters if it'd make you feel better..."

He sighed. "I want to be alone with myself for a while, y'know, talk to me, me, and me about which one is going to be me from now on. I don't think your ickle sis wants to see her future brother-in-law acting schizoid on her."

She just smiled softly, again trying not to be hurt---trying desperately to be understanding. "It's okay... I can arrange quarters, feel free to be there though... I just have some stuff I need to take care of first... otherwise I'd get you quarters right now. If you do run into Terah... around the quarters or elsewhere, she will recognize you, and just tell her to talk to me. She's good at keeping her mouth shut, believe me."

He nodded, smiling. "Now---one more question. What use do you have for an aging Lieutenant Commander with a lot of field experience as CMO?"

She moved in front of him and just looked up at his face, enjoying his smile and trying to somehow imprint the image stronger in her mind. Jesa reached up and touched his cheek gently. "Lots." She smiled.

He grinned. "Just checking."

And he left, as simply and as quickly as he had arrived. Jesa just stood there a moment in contemplation. She felt things would be alright, she had to believe that. She knew they would... be, anyway. Some part of her needed desperately to be held, desperate for the support to control the damage he had inflicted, probably unknowingly, by debasing her center of calm.

But she wanted to let him have his space, that's what he wanted. So she just turned, put her hands flat on top of the biobed, resting against it, and cried.

Just to be held...

Loaded: 04.01.2004