It had taken a while, but it was a while worth taking, as Jesa slowly navigated through the long and twisted corridors that led up to their place. It was a sanctuary of sorts, it always had been. But as she crossed the threshold into the small chamber, she felt an intense wave of emotions hit her in the form of memories. For a brief moment, she could see them here, in so many different situations, from when she first knew him, to the day he found out about her. It was all here, contained in this space.

A gasp passed her lips involuntarily, absorbing the shock. Carefully Jesa moved into the room, and peered out through the small viewport in the bulkhead. This place was unique through the station, Jesa knew, she searched through almost all of it. It was a place that didn't show up on any of the schematics, and somehow when Jesa had found that, she knew where she'd be spending spare time---alone here in contemplation.

Then she allowed one other here. One that would, in the days come, mean more to her than life, happiness, or anyone else ever had. She bit her lip as she lowered the bag to the ground. It clinked softly as the plastic made contact with the metal floor. Kneeling down, Jesa unsnapped it, lifting out a single white candle and positioning it on the sill of the viewport. Quietly she lit the candle, already having disabled the fire-suppression systems in this small area.

Her face felt heavy, and formed a permanent frown as she sat down cross-legged onto the bare floor. Another sigh escaped her lips, the flickering light of the candle drawing her attention. For time that she could never account for, she looked at the candle, watching the flame dancing around on the wick, as the small breeze from her breath affected it.

Jesa blinked back tears, the heat beginning to sting her eyes. She looked out at the stars, the familiar stars she longed to see beyond the viewports of the Isannah. She had found much comfort in those stars over the years, running to them for safety from those who wished her harm. Reaching up she absently wiped her eye, her posture one of dejection and sadness. Jesa shoved her hair back, not in the gentle way he would have done, but in an almost angry way, angry that her hair not obey her wishes and remain put.

The most important moment of Jesa's life had taken place in this little room. Her skin crawled as she thought she felt someone's hand on her shoulder, and whirled, only to be met with the empty air as all the times before. "Buck. " The sound echoed in the chamber, only after did Jesa realize she had spoken it. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she thought she could see a pair of luminescent eyes peering at her, she turned quickly and could see no one. Yet, every time she looked away, she felt him there, at that same moment in time, about to enter the room---but somehow, he never did.

She saved his life, that night, and then gave him hers. She gave it to him in the way that mattered most, as a living gift, a living servitude, which seemed like nothing at all, for she loved to make him happy, and to be near him. She always could be assured of his arms welcoming her. But it was not so that night. That night she questioned if he could even tolerate her being her, if he could love her as she was, for who she was. She remembered that day so well, as if it had just happened, and here she was now, in wait of his arrival. Jesa cried softly, allowing the memory to play in her mind, and before her eyes.

Jesa had sat huddled against the far wall, crying quietly without tears and holding herself. She shifted nervously in fright, and incomprehension. 'No.... I can't.' she thought, frantic. 'I want to live, I have to live.' She thought, only realizing there was something so strong existing now, that would ever make her think of dying to preserve... 'Why? Keep what?' she questioned.

'Him... safe. My family... safe. The crew... safe.' She answered herself, the panic slowly easing from her mind. She could do this, she told herself, she could leave them all to preserve them. Everyone she had known, or would ever know. She would endanger all of them, simply by being herself. Jesa realized the love she had developed for her family, and in a much more potent form, for Buck.

'I can't do that anymore. I have to leave again.' She thought, tears threatening to flow free. 'My heart shall break if I leave... but it will break more if I stay and something happens.' She thought, shutting her eyes tight against the pain, and against the course of action she knew she had to take. 'I can't bear to face him.' She thought in fear. 'I have lied to him, I have mislead him... since the very day I laid eyes upon him. Who could forgive conduct like that?'

The one thought that hurt most drifted into her mind. 'Besides... how could he ever love a changeling?' she thought, the tears finally breaking free and spilling over the brims of her eyes and spilling onto her cheeks. She rubbed them away angrily. 'They aren't tears, only imitations of tears; absorbed back into my skin as soon as I touch them.' she wiped harder, furiously. 'But these aren't hands, and this isn't skin... only a imitation... a fake... I am a fake.' She thought, bitterly accusing herself.

The slightest footstep echoed in the room, Jesa turned slightly. Every inch of her being wanted to run, but somehow she simply could not do that. She watched only long enough to see a pair of bright green luminescent eyes peer from inside the Jefferies Tube. Then she turned away, huddling against the wall as if she was trying to crawl inside it. She couldn't bear to look at him, to meet his eyes---and take his judgment.

Her posture was that of a defeated woman, a broken prisoner, for life had finally discovered a way to crawl inside her, and tear her apart, inside and out. 'If I have to leave... I at least owe him.... To speak.' She had to explain, even if it fell upon deaf ears and hatred was all she was met with. He approached slowly, watching her carefully and quietly. Then he reached out and tenderly touched her shoulder. Jesa jumped back as if repulsed, or shocked by an invisible electrical charge. She held up a hand in defense, not looking at him, and spoke.

"Don't touch me." She said. While she intended it to come out in a low tone, it didn't end up that way. Her voice cracked, betraying her uncertainty, her fear, her terror. His voice was quiet, caring, but clearly questioning, pleading. "You know my feelings for you --- If I don't love you, why didn't I contact security? Why aren't red alert sirens blaring the station walls down? Why aren't you running from me?"

He moved closer and again lifted his hand to her shoulder---this time she let him. With amazing gentleness he turned her around to face him. Still, Jesa could not find the courage to look at him, to meet his eyes. She couldn't bear to see the disappointment; she was too ashamed---simply being her. But she knew she had to answer, and spoke, her voice quivering. "I... I... know you love me... I don't know how, but I know that... that's why.... " she started to tell him, but then trailed off to silence.

Gently, he placed his other hand on her opposite shoulder, ducking down into her line of sight, to see her face. His green eyes didn't hold the judgment she expected, all she saw in those wonderful green eyes was a deep love, and a pleading with her, a begging of her to stay. He tried to grin, that lopsided grin that never ceased to make her smile.

"You know, you are gorgeous when you pout." He spoke softly, but with the lightness that was expected. Another time and place, Jesa would have proclaimed she wasn't pouting, and then pouted harder. But this was Buck, and this was now. A brief, ever so brief, hint of a smile peeked through, but it was soon washed away by a deep despair and hopelessness as reality washed back over her. Jesa's legs felt weak, and she slid to the floor against the wall as if wounded.

"I can't do this to you.... I can't." she said fearfully, avoiding his eyes again.

Gear stooped, then sat on his haunches facing her. "You can't do what? Let me feel like a new man? Love me? Allow me to love you? What?! Anything I have to suffer is worth it for you. I'd die to protect you, if necessary. Isn't that enough? What more can I give you?!" Gear found himself losing control of his own emotions. His cool exterior had plummeted into a form of forlorn desperation, desperation to not lose Jesa.

She didn't even feel his desperation hit her, or interact with her emotions at all. She just sat there silently, letting it wash over her, and thinking. Knowing that behind the desperation was a deep caring and love that demanded all. 'How could I be so important to him? I had never been to anyone else. How could this man love me so much?' she questioned, silently.

Then another thought dawned on her as tears welled up anew. 'I did this to him... why? Why couldn't I just have stayed away? It was too late now.' She thought, unable to stop the tears. Jesa slowly reached out and took his hands in hers, seeking the contact to try and make him understand.

"I love you, Buck... I love you so much that it hurts to see you hurting so. I don't... want to be the cause of your death, or pain. Knowing me.... You would go through a lot. You have given me too much!" she said, her voice raising sharply, then paused back into silence before resuming a quiet pleading. "Everything... and what can I give you back? Pain through your life? An early death? People would use you, you know. Even now... there are so many wishing me dead."

He didn't answer, not uttering a sound for a moment, just looking deeply into Jesa's eyes. His voice was equally as pleading. "You have saved my life - on more than this one occasion. I almost caused your own death due to ghosts in my past... One ghost still roams free --- Tu'ran. I am as much of a danger to you --- I thought we realized that danger came with the territory. We're fleet officers. We can't afford to say 'What if?' --- we only have the present. And for the present, at least, love me and stay with me..."

Such love shown in his eyes that it overwhelmed her. Before she realized it, she reached up with her other hand and softly stroked her fingertips down his face. So perfect, it was in her eyes. Her voice returned softly. "But I accepted that... I would die for you, Buck." She stopped mid thought. How could she turn from this? He would die for her, and she, for him... She had never considered the possibility that anyone could... or would. The reciprocation of her feelings sent her into a silent stupor. He continued softly, tenderly.

"We knew that there were risks... But if we were the type of people to play it safe, we'd both have Medical Practices somewhere, tending snotty noses and grazed elbows --- we wouldn't be exploring the new Frontier."

She broke contact with his eyes, looking down at their interlaced fingers, so perfect... so absolutely perfect.

"But Buck... I'm not even like you. These... aren't even real hands. This isn't a real face you're looking at... wouldn't you rather love someone more like you?" she questioned, shaking her head in rejection of the very thought. "I've had no life, and what you know of me..." she took a breath, willing herself to speak it. "I've not had a life... all I've done is run. Starfleet... was my one chance at such. There're so many lies that I have woven to simply stay alive."

Gear smiled gently, understanding shown clearly.

"Do you think you're the only one? My childhood was a lie. I was raised to be a spy for the Order --- an assassin. And now, I'm an experiment gone wrong. All the talent, none of the motives... I'm not who I thought I was. I was going to save lives, Jesa - but I have taken so many!"

Before her eyes, tears began rolling down his cheeks unbidden.

"You, above all else, represent my salvation... I can love. You proved that --- you have given me the greatest single thing any being can have. Would you take it away as swiftly as it was bestowed? I don't think so. It's not in your nature, oh loveliest Jesa..."

As he cried, her heart cried out in unison, connected to him so deeply. She let go of his right hand and raised her hand to place the back of her hand against his cheek. All she wanted in that moment was to love him... everything else faded away, unimportant. Gently her hands dropped to his shoulder as she pulled him into an embrace... one she never wanted to let go from. Not again. She had let go many times in the past. She refused to do it now, not that she had found him.

He felt so good against her, his warmth filling her soul with hope. She rested her chin against his shoulder, feeling him rise beneath her with every breath. Quietly, she whispered in his ear. "No... I wouldn't." His eyes were wet with tears, the liquid refracting their emerald sheen into a rainbow of cascading color; but these were tears of happiness, for holding her close. He held her close, so very close, like no one had held her before.

Buck drew back from her slightly, looking at her for a moment. Then, leaning in, he kissed her tenderly.

"Promise you'll stay with me... Always..." he asked, looking into her eyes.

Jesa's heart jumped as she looked at him, just seeing him like this. His emotions were raw and exposed... so vulnerable. He was asking a lot... but offering so much more. This was hard for Jesa, the asking of a promise. She had never promised anything to anyone, except for a moment... for her life was never one for allowing her to live in fulfillment of them. Slowly the words formed on her lips, spoken with more sincerity than any words she had ever before spoken.

"I promise..."

Ecstasy could be seen in his eyes as he swiftly picked her up and cradled her in his arms, spinning around, expressing his joy plainly. Jesa laughed in surprise, this was a sensation so new to her, she threw her arms around his neck, holding on and just looking at him. She couldn't speak, simply enjoying living in a perfect moment.

In the reality that was now, Jesa drew a ragged breath, pulling her knees up to her chest. In that moment, she was his. She had completely committed herself to him, and to being by his side. The marriage would only have been a formal statement of something that happened that night. From then on out, they were a team; they were inseparable. Nothing but death could have come between them---and that's just what death did.

'Love is not finding perfect people to love, but learning to love imperfect people perfectly' she thought, a bit of knowledge passed on to her long ago. They were very imperfect people, but somehow, they managed to love perfectly... or at least, near perfectly. Her eyes fixed on the candle again, still burning, the wax forming a small pool about the base of the candle. A few wayward drips fell from the base of the candle to the floor, forming an ever increasing stalactite of wax.

Jesa looked down at her hand. His engagement ring she still wore, it sat oblivious on her finger, unknowing that the bond that it was meant to signify had been cut painfully---Still she wore it. It was a beautiful thing, both beautiful and practical, strangely enough, as their love had been. With slow movements she lifted a small box out of the bag she had brought with her. It was black, velvet, like a ring box.

She flipped the top open and peered at what lay beneath. Two rings sat tucked in the box, their face forming upward. But these didn't look like normal rings. Each was made of three strands, gold, silver, and platinum, that wove around each other. Carefully, and with trembling hands, Jesa plucked the smaller one from the box, holding it gently in her fingertips. With a slight manipulation, the ring suddenly jerked, and became three connected rings.

The silver was at one end, and the gold at the other, with the platinum ring in the middle. In Jesa's mind, she was the silver, he the gold, and the ring between was the bond they shared, the bond that was more precious than either of them alone, priceless. These rings were to be their wedding rings. Buck and Jesa had discussed the subject before, but never had come upon something that seemed just right. A month later, Jesa was poking around, and found these---she was going to give them to him on his birthday, and hoped he'd like them as much as she.

Jesa would never know if he would have liked them, though she strongly suspected he would have. He supported her decisions, and she believed he would have been pleased. She gently relocked her ring into a single band, and took his out. In her mind, she pretended to place it on his finger. She shook her head slightly as she held it up to the light, so she could see the candle flickering through it.

Closing her eyes tightly she reached out to place the ring on the sill, but couldn't let go. Her hand shook violently, she withdrew her hand, holding the ring to her chest and crying, rocking herself softly. She couldn't let go, not now... not ever. 'Why, Buck, why?'

Loaded: 03.10.2004